I’m bored. I have no motivation to do anything. I need to shower. My hair is greasy. I have no makeup on. My face is horrifying. I’m lounging on a couch with the recliner out with my computer on my lap. The TV’s on but I’m not paying attention. I’m drinking cold coffee. The bags under my eyes are deep and full of darkness.
I look and feel like a scumbag. A lazy ass scumbag.
I want to blame something for all of this but there’s no one to blame but myself.
I don’t know what I want or what I should do or if I’ll ever accomplish anything ever again.
I have no drive to be anything or do anything or go anywhere. I just feel like a blob of nothingness that’s going to rot away.
It’s not depression I’m feeling, it’s just emptiness.
But I have no one to blame. Is this what happens when you put things in your body that are supposed to make you feel better? Because I don’t feel better, although I guess I don’t feel worse. I feel flat. My mood is like a straight line, kind of like on a heart monitor or a graph: constant, but no movement. No emotion.
I know I’ve craved consistency for so long but this is almost too much.
Is this what a “stable mood” is supposed to feel like? Would I rather hurt than feel nothing at all?
Posted on Wednesday at 1:47pm